I am working with a team of people planning to support a Thanksgiving meal for the Sun Valley community on Saturday, November 21 starting at 3:00 PM. We are looking for volunteers to help purchase and prepare the food, as well as serve and support the event. As many of you know, Sun Valley is an urban Denver neighborhood that is one of the highest poverty and crime areas in the state. With this event, we hope to continue the great outreach Age Sandoval and his team from Tha Myx have done over the past few years.
We expect to serve close to 300 people from the community at the meal. To help us with planning, and to make it easier for me to count, we're asking people to sign up to provide food for 10 people (or 20 or 30, etc) in one or more of the categories below:
NUMBERS UPDATED 11/12/09 2:00 PM
To Serve 300
Qty Still Needed
Currently
(1 = 10 servings)
(1=10 servings)
Feeding
Turkey
30
15
150
Stuffing
30
19
110
Potatoes
30
19
110
Green Beans
30
16
140
Bread
30
10
200
Dessert
30
9
210
Drinks
30
5
250
Cups
30
If you could let me know if and how you would be interested in supporting this event, it would really help our planning. For example, if you could make potatoes for 30 people, please respond on the checklist for "Potatoes - Qty 3" which will mean that you are choosing to do Potatoes for 30 people. I've put the quantities in the checklist assuming each donation will serve 10 people. Once we get a solid list of contributors, we'll start making detailed logistic plans about pick-up, delivery, and the meal itself. I will send out updates along the way!
Support in any way you can - if you want to just donate - you can send me a check or drop food at my house and we'll make sure it gets prepared. If you just want to cook - we'll make it easy for you to drop it off at my house.
There's no better way to increase your gratitude than by increasing someone else's. Believe it or not - a helping of mashed potatoes to someone says "You are loved."
**NOTE: Saying yes to donating food or $$ - doesn't mean you need to participate for serving...only that you are willing to sign up for food. We'll update more details on actual serving in the next week or so.
I have two songs stuck in my head at this very moment… “What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more” by Haddaway (yes, 80’s pop radio) and Tina Turner’s “What’s love got to do with it?”. Why? you might wonder. Well…a moment came today – one of those moments that as a parent you hope never comes, but if you’re realistic, you know it will. The moment didn’t come in a loud shouting match, it didn’t come from the call of a teacher or neighbor…it came in the quiet whisper of a child’s writing on a scrap of paper, cast aside in her bedroom, forgotten. In a dash to get the house organized, I was straightening up in my daughter’s room and came upon this little white piece of paper…with words so sharp they cut my heart…
“I hate my mom. She is loveless and careless to me.
She won’t even let me have breakfast with the family.
She won’t let me have my food.”
Wow. She’s eight years old. “I hate my mom”… “she is loveless and careless”. For a moment I just looked at it. We’ve talked about the fact that we don’t say “I hate you”… but there it was in black and white, and about me. My mind tried to unscramble the mornings over the last week to figure out what this was about. It came to me…we were rushing, she was dawdling, I was barking orders. And I lost my cool. We had apologized and made up that evening. But at some point before leaving the house that morning, she must have scribbled this note out. In a weird way, I'm incredibly glad she did. She had to get it out. She needed to voice her feelings. I’m not angry. I’m stunned. I’m heart-broken that my daughter would, for even just a moment, feel this way. And I’m ashamed…ashamed that I couldn’t have more self-control and be the “adult” in that rushed moment. (And lest you think I starve my children…she ate.) The most profound thing I believe she said was in the phrase “she is loveless and careless”. She uses “careless” in a way of “she doesn’t care about me”…but what she doesn’t know is how correct she is in her choice of words when it is used in the sense of “done or said heedlessly or negligently” (Dictionary.com). She was right. I yelled, impulsively, without thinking about it. By not stopping to breathe and choose my words carefully, I was “careless”. Am I also “loveless”? That is what brings me to ask “what is love?”We’ve all heard 1 Cor 13 – so many times probably, many people don’t even know it’s from the Bible…it’s just an accepted quote about love. But let’s look at it here…(4) “Love is patient, love is kind.” Well if I just stop there…I already have two strikes. (5)“It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered (oops, strike three…I’m out), it keeps no record of wrongs.”
I am guilty of expecting my eight year old daughter to rely on the feeling or emotion of love that is always there no matter what. But that’s really not fair. Because in her eyes, love is an action. It is an outward expression – and the only way it’s demonstrated is through my behavior. Am I patient? Do I take time to breathe? Do I remember that they are children, not adults? Practicing patience is an action…not a state of being. It is something to be worked out. Am I kind?Does the tone of my words say more than the words that are actually being spoken? Am I choosing my words carefully, so as not to hurt? In an article by R. Vijai P. Sharma, PhD, “One ‘Zinger’ Can Undo 20 ‘I love You’s”, he says, “Beware, the power of the negative is far greater than the power of the positive. Unkind words echo in our ears for years while the kind words are forgotten in days. A ‘zinger,’ that is, a cruel and aggressive quip or retort, can cut wounds too deep for pacifying words to heal.”Am I rude, self-seeking? For me – this ends up being about my agenda coming first. And woe to anyone who gets in the way of that. Am I easily angered? I am. It comes in the form of control…and as soon as I think I’m losing control, my temper flairs. Love doesn’t mean she gets her way. It doesn't mean that she's always going to like my decisions. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences to dawdling or wasting time. But love is not only some intrinsic feeling. It has to be extrinsic…it has to be actionable… it causes me to be the adult…to make better choices…to exercise reason and consider consequences of my own behavior. Love in action is what becomes believable. What’s love got to do with it? (12)And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”We are not perfect, but we can learn and change... be encouraged to make love actionable in your relationships. Love has got everything to do with it.
Do you ever have a week where it just seems like everything that could go wrong – does? Or one of those weeks where you just feel…off? I had a week like that this week. Work is frustrating…I don’t feel motivated on any level, anywhere. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that I self-sabotage. It’s like an out of body experience – I can see it happening – but I seem unable to stop it. How do you change the course?
Gratitude…Changes the Attitude The third nugget for me this week was an experience I had with my daughter Rachel. She’s been wanting a hamster forever. Her dad has a motto “no reptiles, no rodents, no birds.” It was a huge step when we got the dog…trust me! Anyway, a friend of hers had gotten a couple hamsters with her own hard earned money. Rachel couldn’t understand why if she spent her own money, she couldn’t get the hamster. It was a viable argument. So I talked her dad into letting her get it. The purchase has all sorts of responsibility caveats that an 8 year old will, of course, earnestly uphold. When we told her she could get it, she burst into tears. And I don’t mean her eyes filled up with tears…I mean she had HUGE crocodile tears…sobbing…she was so happy…so grateful…(yes, so drama!) And it so completely rocked my heart. It reminded me to be grateful for the little things…the moments…whether it’s the sun coming out after 5 days of rain, the smell of a hot fresh cup of coffee, the fact that I can and am able to get up and work every day, or making the dream of having a new hamster come true.
Get a New Goal The last thing that happened this week was I was motivated to set a new goal. My girlfriend (you know who you are!) emailed me this week and said “some people train for marathons or races, I’m in ‘black dress training’”. I LOVE IT – I thought – I’m going to be in "black dress training"…gives me something new to think about...and seems like it will be exciting at the end. It doesn't have to have anything to do with work or family or friends...it just needs to be interesting to you. So for me, "black dress training" conjures up making good choices on food, making sure I'm getting my workouts in...And really, at the end of the day…who doesn't love the opportunity for a little retail therapy ;-)
I’ve been blocked on what to write about lately.And then came a moment this week when various data points collided.It was fun for me.My boss is the master of collecting data points and constructing a picture out of them.It’s something I’ve always admired about him and others who are gifted at that.I don’t know that I’ve ever been aware of that sensation – but I was this week as a recurring theme of “perfection” kept popping up in conversation.And it made me think “what is ‘perfect’ anyway?”
Striving for perfection
I’m sure many of you were brought up as I was – be a “perfect little girl (or boy)”… smile, speak when spoken to, don’t talk back, sit up straight, get good grades, go to college, don’t make bad choices.It’s funny though – even if you do all of those things…life is never “perfect.”
There are always ups and downs…challenges, struggles, obstacles that come our way.I had a girlfriend say to me this week, “well, I’m really happy…I mean, it’s not perfect by any means…”So in order to have a perfect life, does it mean that there should be no struggle?Is it smooth sailing all the time?I’ve started running again and I tried to picture what it would be like to run the same flat route over and over again and wondered how interesting would that be to me over time?How effective would it be for keeping my body in shape…because over time, our bodies need new challenges, new resistance, to cause it to get stronger and change.I don’t think it’s that different with our lives.We are who we are because of where we’ve been.The ups and the downs in life are what have caused us to figure out what we believe, make choices about who we are going to be and how we are going to behave and what we are going to do in this life.It’s the “imperfections” of life that cause the resistance and the challenge to make us stronger and to make us better. Not to mention making sure that we don’t get bored.
No one’s perfect
A note came out over Facebook this week and it was a list of questions that you had to answer honestly…I’m not sure why one would lie, but it made me smile that it called out to answer honestly.Anyway, one of the questions was “Has anyone ever told you that you are perfect?”My answer – my husband…perfect for him.Not “perfect” as in “being entirely without fault or defect” as Merriam-Webster defines it.But maybe closer to “perfect” as in the second part of the definition “satisfying all requirements”.Even still, I know that I don’t do that. We all know that people have faults, that lives aren’t always what they seem.Yet – we prefer to believe often that other peoples lives are “more perfect” than our own…and in that, we are somehow even more flawed.
Perfect is as perfect does
One of the other data points that has been floating around in my head is a conversation I had with another girlfriend.(I don’t actually think I get to have that many conversations with my girls…so I guess we get a lot going in a short amount of time J )We were talking about the stage that our families are at and where we are at individually and she said to me “I’m so blessed, everything right now is just perfect.” This, after hearing about the craziness of running kids here and there, a husband who has to travel a lot, parents who need help and never enough time for one’s self…”everything right now is perfect”.Why?Because she chooses to accept that it doesn’t have to be smooth to be perfect.It doesn’t have to come without challenges to be amazing.That in all of the craziness, and need and lacking…there is an option to accept it and find joy in it and look for the good in all of it.Yogi Berra has a quote, “if the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be”.Her life, without all of the characteristics that make it up, wouldn’t be.
Kelly Clarkson (yes, I am an American Idol groopie) has a song called “Beautiful Disaster”.And I think that’s apropos for my life …a “perfect mess”.Because in the end, we really have only this one life…and perfection I believe is really perspective.If we are able to accept, embrace, the imperfections that life brings our way – and granted, sometimes throws at us like a 90 mph pitch – to catch it as something that will add, define, perhaps change us.That it may not feel comfortable at times, but that maybe that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.That with those fast balls or curve balls, “perfect” as the state of unblemished, actually becomes “perfect” as in the state of improving.My life is a perfect mess…and I have to say, I wouldn’t want it any other way.
About a week ago a dear friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. It was shocking - she's young and healthy and I find myself saying "why her?". Why anyone, really? And then the fear set in, both for her as well as for me - not so much about what would happen to her if she died...but what would happen to those around her? Her husband, her children? How would they cope? What would they need in lieu of her being there? What does she say to them? She was trying to deal with a tomorrow that had not yet come...and wondering if today could be all that she had. And with that...came the inevitable realization that all any of us may ever have is "today".
Now my girlfriend is early stage and treatable and all of that is good news. But those five days of not knowing that I lived along with her, caused me to really reflect. It was interesting for me because I'm deeply spiritual - so I don't fear what happens in the ever-after. In fact, I have joy in the knowing of where I'm going. But it doesn't mean I'm anxious to leave all this. However, I started to think about how much of all this I'm really present for. When I'm at home in the morning, I'm thinking about work later on. When I'm at work, I'm multi-tasking a million things - What do the numbers look like for this month? What am I making for dinner tonight? Who do I need to spend time with on the team? Is the lacrosse uniform clean for Saturday? How do we get to the number for the end of the year? Who's carpooling today? How do we increase demand in the market? Did I pay for the costumes for the dance recital in June? Did I make the reservations for my next business trip? When am I going to go buy that birthday present? What am I even going to get? Are we going to have made enough for the college funds and retirement? I am emailing, Twittering, IMing, Facebooking, phoning ... I think you get the picture. I'm no different than any one else. We all are inundated with life. But are we living it?
We can plan for the future but I'm reminded that all we can ever really affect is today. Last night I said to myself "Tomorrow I'm going to get up and go to the gym." Today - the alarm goes off and I have a choice - I can get up and go, or I can choose not to. What I said to myself last night though is gone - now, in the wee light of the morning, I have to choose. And in that moment I decide, "today I'm making a decision to be healthy and I'm going to the gym". Some of that is subconscious of course - we don't necessarily painstakingly follow the mental steps to that decision - but they happen. When I got home, my mind already running through the work day ahead, I had a choice - I can look at my children in their eyes and talk to them and let them know that I see and hear them with no other distractions - or I can get on my computer and half-listen so that I can "get more done". But, if I remind myself that all I can affect is "today"...then I choose to look at them and listen to them and hug them and smell the freshly washed hair (or not so freshly washed). And in that very moment - in those ten minutes of focused attention - they know they are loved and cherished and noticed. If all I ever have is "today" then I don't want to waste that, because it will affect their tomorrow. If I want to do all that I can to be around for tomorrow, then I make decisions today that increase my chances of that. If I'm planning for my children to feel loved, interesting, and self-sufficient, then I have to act today in ways that fulfill that. And it goes on...
Of course we can't get away from all of the planning that needs to happen - all of the things that need to get taken care of. But we can choose to be present in the moments that we are given. I often find that I give up the control of that. I forget that I have the ability to steer myself to see the sun in the morning and feel the heat of it - and feel glad; to see my spouse or loved one and look them in the eye when I say "I love you" - and feel love; to sit in a meeting and not look at email or Twitter or IM and participate - and feel engaged and productive. Because those are the things that are happening "today". And if today is all I have, then I don't want to miss a moment of it. Today is a choice.
I’ve recently returned from a weekend celebrating a friend’s birthday. I LOVE this girl – she LOVES her birthday and I really think that’s an incredibly endearing trait of hers. Because of it – it provides the catalyst for twelve women to get together to celebrate once a year. Some of us have known each other through work for over 15 years…we’ve seen each other through our wild single days (although I'm certain it wasn't really "that wild"), motherhood, divorce, health scares, job changes, successes, humiliations – you name it. Even if we haven’t been able to be there in person, we’ll hear about it through the grapevine and our thoughts are not far from the other. Others of us know each other through friends or affiliations – but regardless, we’ve all been around each other enough times to care – and that makes for moments of joy and elation at the sight of each other and a day full of catching up as well as making more memories together.
What struck me about this particular trip was the unconditional acceptance of who each woman was. That we have grown to admire the craziness of one, generosity of another, the more quiet, shy nature of yet another. Each person brings a unique quality to the whole – and there’s no judgment that one is not like another. I still sit here today fascinated by the feeling of it. Here were twelve women who were out on a mission to capture and experience as much joy and laughter and fun as an 8 hour bus ride in the wine country could allow. Rest assured – it allows for a lot!
Beyond the hilarious antics of the day – there was the beauty of watching the healing of a rift between two of the women who were deeply meant to be friends, there were secrets being shared in one-off private conversations – there was dancing and singing and laughing and crying. It was a celebration and in every celebration there is opportunity. This was our opportunity to re-connect and to enjoy the freedom of hanging loose with the women in our lives who we don’t see every day, but for whom we might be lesser than, if they were not in our lives.
As I was starting out my career with several of these women, I don’t think I ever thought that they would become part of the very fabric of who I am. But as I think back on our years together and the memories that now come out of weekends like this one – I can’t help but think about how blessed I am to have these kinds of connections and to see other women comfortable in the life they have carved out for themselves. I walk away from this weekend, joyful for having been a part of it and grateful for the lesson that there is no “one” way to live life … only “right” people to live it with!
Just Beneath the Surface is about tackling things that we may be thinking about, but just don't say outloud. It's intended to hopefully connect each of us with an idea, or a feeling that someone else has had or felt and in that way - no one is ever really alone.
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