"I'm dying of cancer... okay, not really, I'm just gay"

We've all heard stories of how people of all ages break the news to their families and friends about being "gay". The title of this entry is one of my favorites because of the true disparity between the two statements. The first - "I'm dying" ... the second "I'm alive...just a little different than you might have thought". It's true perspective - right??? I didn't hear the recent news I got in quite the same way... I happened to be sitting at a restaurant with another couple who I consider to be close friends - not in a "go out all the time together" way...but in a "our children are best friends and our lives have crossed over each other for so many years, that we've grown into close friends" way. Anyway, I care deeply for them and their kids...and so sitting across from them, the woman says, "um, yeah, so we're getting divorced... oh, and he's gay." No anger, no blame, no accusations. A statement. I did have to ask again, "I'm sorry, did you say he was gay?" She said, "Yep". I said, "Okay, just making sure I heard you right." (please chuckle here - cuz it was kind of funny) Now, if you knew my friend...this kind of delivery is not out of the norm for her. She's a straight shooter with very little drama. It's probably why she can raise 6 kids...and I can't...she has no real propensity for drama and I think we all know, I might have a bit. So - his being gay and all that goes around that...that's their story and I'm not going to dive into it here. But what I do want to explore is what happened on our side of the fence after learning "the news". It was very interesting and challenging for me for a variety of reasons: 1. I'm a born-again Christian... wait for it... 2. My husband is LDS - Mormon. (Interesting combo, I know, and worthy of a blog all on its own someday.) 3. Both of us have had and have friends that are gay.     4. This family that I love is going through enormous change - a true identity crisis - and how do I support them and at the same time, make my children believe that we aren't going to go through that? Certainly, this family is not one that anyone would have EVER imagined going through this...so why are we any different??? Plus - I've not had to broach the subject of homosexuality in a very tangible way with my children - and now I need to. I didn't really want to have to do that yet. So items 1 & 2 above lead us to be fairly conservative (ya think??). But item 3 has made us less than staunch in some ways on the subject of homosexuality. However - all three of those items had to have some play into what I chose to do next. So I found myself contemplating and trying to really grasp what I believe to be true about homosexuality. Are you born with it, trauma'd into it, or do you just choose it? And without a lot of research or documentation to back it up ... my fundamental belief is "Yes"...to all those things. While I believe in creationism...I also believe evolution has happened along the way and that has created a group of individuals that I believe are born into it. I also think crazy stuff happens in this world and people suffer trauma that can create a proclivity to homosexuality. And I think people explore and just make choices as well. Next - if I believe those things - what do I do about #1 - I'm born-again and #2 which heads us into a very conservative outlook? My Bible says that homosexuality is "an abomination" to God. Okay - to me that says "He hates the behavior". And at the same time, if there is anything I know to be true, it is that the number one commandment that Christ gave was to "Love God" and the number two was to "Love your neighbor as yourself". In that same Bible, I've read about the fact that Jesus showed mercy and love to a prostitute, and a murderer became his number one apostle. So - to me that says that God can abhor a behavior - but he never hates the person. I honestly can't reconcile it beyond that. Perhaps I'm too simple. Others may say that I'm "unevolved". Others still may say that I'm "lukewarm" in my faith. That's okay. In my pea-brain - I'm good with that simple reasoning, because it allows me to say "I don't believe in choosing homosexuality, but I do believe that people are born with it or have a proclivity towards it and I don't know what to make of that - and at the end of the day - that's between them and God and it's not my business." Trust me - I got my own stuff to work on. So what do I say to my 10 & 11 year old children? Because that's a very broad range in a belief set and how do I simplify that down for my kids without having to go into too much detail? So, in a very succinct way - here's how the discussion went...

1. Do you know what "gay" means... my son says "I do - it's when you want to be with your mom, or your dad or your brother or sister"... okay, whoa, we clearly have a little work to do here. Um, no, not quite - so here's what it means... and then we moved to...
2. Here's what me and Dad believe about being gay - and I went through my belief set in a high-level way... to which I got scrunched up nose faces looking back at me
3. Your best friends' parents are getting divorced and the dad is gay. And they all love each other and are still a family. "okay - are we done now?"...hmmm, not just yet...
4. Here's what we believe "spiritually" about how we're going to behave in response to this news...God loves...we're going to love. They are hurting...we're going to make sure that we do not add to that hurt - and that we help and protect in any way that we can. The kids are going to need you - people can be nasty when they hear news like this - they will spread it to hurt rather than from an intention to inform to in order to help protect. Other kids will say things in the heat of play that have no foundation "don't be gay!"... we're not going to say such things. And lastly - this family we're talking about is the same family - they are the same people with the same hearts that we've known and loved for years...and we're going to love them the same as we always have.
5. Lastly - neither daddy or I are gay - we aren't holding on to that as our own secret - so we don't have the same issues to deal with. (now I didn't go into the fact that everyone has issues...we may yet have our own...but let's not go there right now!) ;-)

My kids got it. At least for now. I'm sure it won't be the last discussion we have on the topic - it's like anything else...as we glean new pieces of information...we reformulate our ideas...and we gain that dreaded "PERSPECTIVE"...That's why each of us have a brain...I look forward to those discussions.