"I'm dying of cancer... okay, not really, I'm just gay"

We've all heard stories of how people of all ages break the news to their families and friends about being "gay". The title of this entry is one of my favorites because of the true disparity between the two statements. The first - "I'm dying" ... the second "I'm alive...just a little different than you might have thought". It's true perspective - right???

I didn't hear the recent news I got in quite the same way... I happened to be sitting at a restaurant with another couple who I consider to be close friends - not in a "go out all the time together" way...but in a "our children are best friends and our lives have crossed over each other for so many years, that we've grown into close friends" way. Anyway, I care deeply for them and their kids...and so sitting across from them, the woman says, "um, yeah, so we're getting divorced... oh, and he's gay." No anger, no blame, no accusations. A statement. I did have to ask again, "I'm sorry, did you say he was gay?" She said, "Yep". I said, "Okay, just making sure I heard you right." (please chuckle here - cuz it was kind of funny) Now, if you knew my friend...this kind of delivery is not out of the norm for her. She's a straight shooter with very little drama. It's probably why she can raise 6 kids...and I can't...she has no real propensity for drama and I think we all know, I might have a bit.

So - his being gay and all that goes around that...that's their story and I'm not going to dive into it here. But what I do want to explore is what happened on our side of the fence after learning "the news". It was very interesting and challenging for me for a variety of reasons:
1. I'm a born-again Christian... wait for it...
2. My husband is LDS - Mormon. (Interesting combo, I know, and worthy of a blog all on its own someday.)
3. Both of us have had and have friends that are gay
4. This family that I love is going through enormous change - a true identity crisis - and how do I support them and at the same time, make my children believe that we aren't going to go through that. Certainly, this family is not one that anyone would have EVER imagined going through this...so why are we any different??? Plus - I've not had to broach the subject of homosexuality in a very tangible way with my children - and now I need to. I didn't really want to have to do that yet.

So items 1 & 2 above lead us to be fairly conservative (ya think??). But item 3 has made us less than staunch in some ways on the subject of homosexuality. However - all three of those items had to have some play into what I chose to do next.

So I found myself contemplating and trying to really grasp what I believe to be true about homosexuality. Are you born with it, trauma'd into it, or do you just choose it? And without a lot of research or documentation to back it up ... my fundamental belief is "Yes"...to all those things. While I believe in creationism...I also believe evolution has happened along the way and that has created a group of individuals that I believe are born into it. I also think crazy stuff happens in this world and people suffer trauma that can create a proclivity to homosexuality. And I think people explore and just make choices as well.

Next - if I believe those things - what do I do about #1 - I'm born-again and #2 which heads us into a very conservative outlook? My Bible says that homosexuality is "an abomination" to God. Okay - to me that says "He hates the behavior". And at the same time, if there is anything I know to be true, it is that the number one commandment that Christ gave was to "Love God" and the number two was to "Love your neighbor as yourself". In that same Bible, I've read about the fact that Jesus showed mercy and love to a prostitute, and a murderer became his number one apostle. So - to me that says that God can abhor a behavior - but he never hates the person. I honestly can't reconcile it beyond that. Perhaps I'm too simple. Others may say that I'm "unevolved". Others still may say that I'm "lukewarm" in my faith. That's okay. In my pea-brain - I'm good with that simple reasoning, because it allows me to say "I don't believe in choosing homosexuality, but I do believe that people are born with it or have a proclivity towards it and I don't know what to make of that - and at the end of the day - that's between them and God and it's not my business." Trust me - I got my own stuff to work on.

So what do I say to my 10 & 11 year old children? Because that's a very broad range in a belief set and how do I simplify that down for my kids without having to go into too much detail? So, in a very succinct way - here's how the discussion went...

1. Do you know what "gay" means... my son says "I do - it's when you want to be with your mom, or your dad or your brother or sister"... okay, whoa, we clearly have a little work to do here. Um, no, not quite - so here's what it means... and then we moved to...
2. Here's what me and Dad believe about being gay - and I went through my belief set in a high-level way... to which I got scrunched up nose faces looking back at me
3. Your best friends' parents are getting divorced and the dad is gay. And they all love each other and are still a family. "okay - are we done now?"...hmmm, not just yet...
4. Here's what we believe "spiritually" about how we're going to behave in response to this news...God loves...we're going to love. They are hurting...we're going to make sure that we do not add to that hurt - and that we help and protect in any way that we can. The kids are going to need you - people can be nasty when they hear news like this - they will spread it to hurt rather than from an intention to inform to in order to help protect. Other kids will say things in the heat of play that have no foundation "don't be gay!"... we're not going to say such things. And lastly - this family we're talking about is the same family - they are the same people with the same hearts that we've known and loved for years...and we're going to love them the same as we always have.
5. Lastly - neither daddy or I are gay - we aren't holding on to that as our own secret - so we don't have the same issues to deal with. (now I didn't go into the fact that everyone has issues...we may yet have our own...but let's not go there right now!) ;-)

My kids got it. At least for now. I'm sure it won't be the last discussion we have on the topic - it's like anything else...as we glean new pieces of information...we reformulate our ideas...and we gain that dreaded "PERSPECTIVE"...That's why each of us have a brain...I look forward to those discussions.

"Have you seen my daughter?"

It's been so long since I've "blogged"...I haven't felt like there was much for me to say outloud. But today - today I don't think I can keep quiet. It's almost midnight and I just finished watching the Primetime special by Diane Sawyer with Jaycee Lee Dugard and her mom. It was maybe the single most disturbing piece I've ever watched in my life. The journalism was fantastic - in fact in a day and age where I generally dislike journalism as a rule of thumb - I thought it was one of the most tasteful, gentle pieces I've seen...but the subject was so horrific...so terrifying...so humbling... I truly thought I might lose my dinner at any time during the show. It was, as they say, like a train wreck - you can't look away. And all the while I was thinking "what if this happened to one of my children"? How do you go on as a parent after all the waiting and wondering, the angst and grief? How does a child recover from the trauma and all the innocence lost, and the terror and grief? How do you keep it from happening? How, how, how...why, why, why...

In watching the sickness of individuals who were the perpetrators, the apathy of those that were "in charge", it made me so sad for this world that we live in. And then you see the unbelievable beauty of the hope - the light that refuses to go out. The adaptive nature of a survivor. And you can't help but smile with them and rejoice in their triumph.

I'm overwhelmed with the feelings of wanting to protect - wanting to help anyone who is faced with a missing child - with outrage at the injustice in our system - on the heels of a beautiful little girl who wasn't reported missing for 31 days... it's something I can't fathom. And I'm reminded by a mom who has her daughter back after 18 years...there are things worth fighting to change in the world out there... but there are things you can change in the world within your arms...

Take time - for the kiss that will make you late. For the hair braid that begs to be made only to be pulled out in three hours later at school. To watch the baseball pitch you've seen thrown 100 times or the skateboard jump that still eludes its rider. To listen for the 10th time to the news that "there is a campout next weekend and they have to take makings for s'mores...and do we have all the stuff?" To notice that van that's carrying magazine solicitors during morning drop offs at school that doesn't belong and to not worry about how crazy it sounds to make a call to the police - make the call. To walk or drive your kids as long as they'll have you to wherever they want to go...and even longer than that. To be the pick up call at the end of a movie night, date night, dance night...any night...for my kids or your kids...

I went in and kissed my kids tonight after that show and whispered "I love you" in their ears until they stirred and fluttered their eyes enough for me to know that they knew I was there. And I prayed...for Jaycee and her mom and daughters...and I prayed for my son and daughter...and for all of the children who need to be found...and that those others who are safe will never be lost. Because it's all I know to do at the moment. That - and encourage you, too, to take the time...

'Tis the Season

'Tis the Season...what??? "seriously, I can not add one more thing to my plate!"...or so I thought...

I'm just a normal "Joe" (or "Joanne" as the case may be). I'm not a professional fundraiser, I don't belong on any committee for urban renewal, I don't even give blood regularly. I have a really busy job with a software start-up. I'm a mom of two. I've over-committed myself to do the yearbook for school and I'm the proverbial taxi cab to all practices which span four nights a week and occasionally I'd like to get my workouts in. Sound familiar?
I do not have time to be "nice". I laugh even as I write this.

About six weeks ago I had coffee with my friend Mike, and he was telling me about this neighborhood they had done a Thanksgiving dinner for last year and they wanted to do something bigger this year. It was intriguing to me because I actually did want to make a difference and was interested in having our family serve others. I wanted my kids to gain some perspective and plant seeds early for getting outside of our bubble. So I said - "let me know about it, we'd like to help." Well, the goal was to serve 300 people a full Thanksgiving dinner. So somehow, "I'd like to help" quickly turned into me garnering support from 100 of my closest friends, neighbors (as well as Mike's) to pull it all together.

It was an amazing, life-changing experience. "If you build it, they will come." Such a classic line...but holds so much truth in many different circumstances. Whether it's a baseball park, a business opportunity, or a service project. People want to play, buy or serve. And that's what I found out when I sent out an invitation through "Evite" to invite people to help prepare food and/or serve during the dinner. The outpouring was fantastic. So many people said to me, "we've always wanted to do something", or "I really want my kids to be able to serve" or "what an amazing idea, thank you for doing this." That last comment felt, and still feels, very awkward to me. Here I was asking other people to donate - food, money or time, and they were thanking me. But we'll come back to that. Even complete strangers heard and pitched in. We ended up feeding over 300 people and had food for an additional 100 for the tiny church that serves that community.

In addition, during that event, families were given an opportunity to sign up for Christmas presents. So we planned a Christmas store where we would supply 250 presents for kids ages 1-18 and as many gift cards as we had donations to support for the families.

Again..out went the Evite...and in came a a little stream of toys, clothing, gift cards and donations toward our commitment to this community. I'm no professional at this stuff - but I do have a thing for spreadsheets. I had asked people to let me know the ages and gender of what they were buying so that I would know each day where we were at on our progress. So with 3 days to go I knew we were still 100 gifts short. And then the miracle of the season happened...that little stream became a waterfall - and my doorbell really didn't stop ringing during the last two days with people dropping off their donations - both expected and unexpected. It hit me that when your heart is in the right place...when you learn to let go and let God...then amazing things will happen. We had more than enough for that little community - our "goal" was far surpassed and we were able to take families that hadn't even signed up.

I've had several people say "how do you find the time?" I found myself describing it like this - it's like when you are thinking about having another child and you think to yourself that you can't possibly love that child as much as you love the one(s) you already have. Yet, when that child is born, the space is just made in your heart. It's like that with service. I couldn't imagine adding another thing to my plate, but when I stepped out into it (that little leap of faith), it's amazing how space is made, that little extra energy you need comes, that other person who makes the difference shows up. In a myriad ways, it just takes care of itself, and you can't imagine having not been a part of it.

"'Tis the season" ... it IS the Season. But I think we've started something that is about to say "It's ALWAYS the season". I'm so grateful for all of the people who gave of their time, effort and money in this incredibly difficult economic time to give hope and joy to someone else. Who knows what the "pay it forward" impact of that will be? I can tell you this...it will be far more than a child opening a gift on Christmas morning. But if you can imagine in that very moment the look on that child's face...if it looks anything like the smiles on these face below, well, that does seem enough.

Christmas Angel Project for Sun Valley

During the Thanksgiving support that many of you supported, we offered families eating with us to sign up for Christmas support if they needed it. Over 70 families signed up for sponsorship. Almost all of them from the Sun Valley community. The Sun Valley community is a neighborhood of about 1500 people, 1000 of whom are children. It is bordered by Invesco Field on the north, 6th Ave on the south, I-25 on the east and Federal Blvd on the west. It has traditionally been one of the highest crime and poverty areas in the state.

WHAT: A Christmas Store
Families/parents that signed up for support will be given an opportunity to go through the "Store" and select one toy for each child. Following their selections, they will have the opportunity to wrap the gifts in the wrapping room. We're using this approach this year for a couple of reasons. First, we want to help the parents maintain as much control and dignity during the gift giving process as possible. Second, we think it will be easier for people to contribute and participate in a number of ways, as opposed to just sponsoring a family. More details on that below.

WHO CAN CONTRIBUTE: Anyone. Any person, any family, any business, any church, any group. If you're interested in supporting urban families in need, we would love to have you participate.

WHAT DO WE NEED: Gifts, mainly. We're trying to collect approximately 250 age and gender-appropriate gifts for these families. We're targeting gifts from $10-$25 each. If it's easier, we will also take financial donations, which we will use to purchase either gifts or gift cards for the children or their families. We will also need 25-40 people, at least, to help us run the store, assist the families, help wrap presents and ensure it's a great experience for everyone involved. (If you are able to volunteer to be there, we'd like to have you there about 9:00 am on the event day.) If you're able to contribute in any, or all of these ways, we would really appreciate it.

HOW WILL IT WORK: Below is a table of the number of gifts we need per age. We're asking for people to sign up to contribute in a similar way as for Thanksgiving. If you can contribute one gift on the list, just post a comment to this blog "One gift for a girl and which age group" or "10 gifts for boys ages 10-12". If you have trouble doing that, you can email me your response at staci.cosby@gmail.com. We think this approach will let children, adults, business and groups all participate in a manner that they are comfortable with. I'll update the list every morning, so if you have a question during the day, please reach out to me directly.

Boys Age	# of Gifts Needed	# still needed		Girls Age	# of Gifts Needed	# still needed
16	4	4		16	3	1
15	3	3		15	6	6
14	7	7		14	3	3
13	4	4		13	7	0
12	8	7		12	2	0
11	4	4		11	10	0
10	9	0		10	3	1
9	6	0		9	3	0
8	8	0		8	3	0
7	12	6		7	6	0
6	9	5		6	3	0
5	12	7		5	3	0
4	11	0		4	8	0
3	13	0		3	11	0
2	12	0		2	9	0
1	11	0		1	5	0
Participate on that day	40
Wrapping paper	80 rolls
Bows	250
Tape	A lot
Scissors	Several

Drop off Logistics:
Prior to Saturday, 12/19 - there are currently two drop off locations:

Mike & Nikki Kilbane
Address: 1450 Black Pine Court, Castle Rock, CO
Phone: 303-880-3956
mikekilbane@mac.com or nikkikilbane@mac.com

Kendall & Staci Cosby
Phone: 303-898-1075 (cell)
Address: 18083 E. Peakview Pl., Aurora, CO
email: staci.cosby@gmail.com

Otherwise - please plan to drop off at Tha Myx at the address below by 9:00 am PT on Saturday, 12/19.

Tha Myx
1230 Decatur St.
Denver, CO 80217

If you would like to be a drop off location, please let us know, we can add you to the list. Also, if you need a pick up, please contact us and we can arrange that as well.

QUESTIONS: Please let me, Nikki, or Mike know if you have any questions. We encourage you to forward this to anyone or any group you think would be interested in participating.

Thank you and Merry Christmas!
Staci (staci.cosby@gmail.com)
Mike (mikekilbane@mac.com)
Nikki (nikkikilbane@mac.com)

Thanksgiving Outreach Update for Event on Sat 11/21

WOW! We are two days away from being the very delight of someone's day. Thank you all for your outpouring of service in whatever way you have volunteered. It has been a complete joy to see all of this come together - and we haven't even gotten to the really good part yet :-)

Many, if not all, of you have received a confirmation from me this week on what you are bringing. If there are any questions or you did not get an email from me - feel free to reach out to me and we'll make sure you are connected.

FOOD PREP: Please have food cooked and in the case of turkeys, carved into a foil container would be great. If all foods are given to us in foil containers - it will make any reheating necessary much easier. But - at the end of the day - you are gracious enough to cook it - and we'll make it work however we get it !!!


DROP SITES: Below are a list of drop spots. If something comes up and you need to drop off to someone - please feel free to contact any of the individuals below and they can help coordinate with you.

Mike & Nikki Kilbane (Castle Rock)
mikekilbane@mac.com or nikkikilbane@mac.com

Cathie Brunnick (Lone Tree)
Email: cbrunnick@patheos.com

Lori Anne Emlong (Parker)
email: rldlemlong@comcast.net

Staci Cosby (Aurora)
email: staci.cosby@gmail.com

LOGISTICS:

For those who are bringing food and dropping it off at the event or also staying to help serve and work the event, please have your food at the Youth Center between 1:30 pm and 2:00 pm on Saturday, 11/21.

For those who have offered to serve, please plan to arrive at the Youth Center for a 2:30 pm meeting to make sure everything is in place when people start arriving at about 3:00 pm. We’ll need people to serve, help people find seats, clean up, help with the craft, and others just to “be social”.


Address:
Sun Valley Youth Center / Tha Myx
1230 Decatur St. Denver, CO 80204
*Take I-25 to 8th ave. Go West to Decatur St. Go North on Decatur St to West Holden Pl. We are on the South East Corner of Decatur & W. Holden Pl.

Sun Valley is an area roughly bordered by 6th Ave on the south, Invesco Field on the north, I-25 to the east and Federal on the west.

Thanksgiving - Make a Difference

I am working with a team of people planning to support a Thanksgiving meal for the Sun Valley community on Saturday, November 21 starting at 3:00 PM. We are looking for volunteers to help purchase and prepare the food, as well as serve and support the event. As many of you know, Sun Valley is an urban Denver neighborhood that is one of the highest poverty and crime areas in the state. With this event, we hope to continue the great outreach Age Sandoval and his team from Tha Myx have done over the past few years.

We expect to serve close to 300 people from the community at the meal. To help us with planning, and to make it easier for me to count, we're asking people to sign up to provide food for 10 people (or 20 or 30, etc) in one or more of the categories below:
NUMBERS UPDATED 11/12/09 2:00 PM

	To Serve 300	Qty Still Needed	Currently
	(1 = 10 servings)	(1=10 servings)	Feeding
Turkey	30	15	150
Stuffing	30	19	110
Potatoes	30	19	110
Green Beans	30	16	140
Bread	30	10	200
Dessert	30	9	210
Drinks	30	5	250
Cups	30

If you could let me know if and how you would be interested in supporting this event, it would really help our planning. For example, if you could make potatoes for 30 people, please respond on the checklist for "Potatoes - Qty 3" which will mean that you are choosing to do Potatoes for 30 people. I've put the quantities in the checklist assuming each donation will serve 10 people. Once we get a solid list of contributors, we'll start making detailed logistic plans about pick-up, delivery, and the meal itself. I will send out updates along the way!

Support in any way you can - if you want to just donate - you can send me a check or drop food at my house and we'll make sure it gets prepared. If you just want to cook - we'll make it easy for you to drop it off at my house.

There's no better way to increase your gratitude than by increasing someone else's. Believe it or not - a helping of mashed potatoes to someone says "You are loved."

**NOTE: Saying yes to donating food or $$ - doesn't mean you need to participate for serving...only that you are willing to sign up for food. We'll update more details on actual serving in the next week or so.

What is Love?

I have two songs stuck in my head at this very moment… “What is love? Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me no more” by Haddaway (yes, 80’s pop radio) and Tina Turner’s “What’s love got to do with it?”. Why? you might wonder. Well…a moment came today – one of those moments that as a parent you hope never comes, but if you’re realistic, you know it will.

The moment didn’t come in a loud shouting match, it didn’t come from the call of a teacher or neighbor…it came in the quiet whisper of a child’s writing on a scrap of paper, cast aside in her bedroom, forgotten. In a dash to get the house organized, I was straightening up in my daughter’s room and came upon this little white piece of paper…with words so sharp they cut my heart…

“I hate my mom. She is loveless and careless to me.
She won’t even let me have breakfast with the family.
She won’t let me have my food.”

Wow. She’s eight years old. “I hate my mom”… “she is loveless and careless”. For a moment I just looked at it. We’ve talked about the fact that we don’t say “I hate you”… but there it was in black and white, and about me. My mind tried to unscramble the mornings over the last week to figure out what this was about. It came to me…we were rushing, she was dawdling, I was barking orders. And I lost my cool. We had apologized and made up that evening. But at some point before leaving the house that morning, she must have scribbled this note out. In a weird way, I'm incredibly glad she did. She had to get it out. She needed to voice her feelings. I’m not angry. I’m stunned. I’m heart-broken that my daughter would, for even just a moment, feel this way. And I’m ashamed…ashamed that I couldn’t have more self-control and be the “adult” in that rushed moment. (And lest you think I starve my children…she ate.)

The most profound thing I believe she said was in the phrase “she is loveless and careless”. She uses “careless” in a way of “she doesn’t care about me”…but what she doesn’t know is how correct she is in her choice of words when it is used in the sense of “done or said heedlessly or negligently” (Dictionary.com). She was right. I yelled, impulsively, without thinking about it. By not stopping to breathe and choose my words carefully, I was “careless”. Am I also “loveless”? That is what brings me to ask “what is love?”

We’ve all heard 1 Cor 13 – so many times probably, many people don’t even know it’s from the Bible…it’s just an accepted quote about love. But let’s look at it here…

(4) “Love is patient, love is kind.” Well if I just stop there…I already have two strikes.

(5) “It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered (oops, strike three…I’m out), it keeps no record of wrongs.”

I am guilty of expecting my eight year old daughter to rely on the feeling or emotion of love that is always there no matter what. But that’s really not fair. Because in her eyes, love is an action. It is an outward expression – and the only way it’s demonstrated is through my behavior.

Am I patient?
Do I take time to breathe? Do I remember that they are children, not adults? Practicing patience is an action…not a state of being. It is something to be worked out.

Am I kind?
Does the tone of my words say more than the words that are actually being spoken? Am I choosing my words carefully, so as not to hurt? In an article by R. Vijai P. Sharma, PhD, “One ‘Zinger’ Can Undo 20 ‘I love You’s”, he says, “Beware, the power of the negative is far greater than the power of the positive. Unkind words echo in our ears for years while the kind words are forgotten in days. A ‘zinger,’ that is, a cruel and aggressive quip or retort, can cut wounds too deep for pacifying words to heal.”

Am I rude, self-seeking?
For me – this ends up being about my agenda coming first. And woe to anyone who gets in the way of that.

Am I easily angered?
I am. It comes in the form of control…and as soon as I think I’m losing control, my temper flairs.

Love doesn’t mean she gets her way. It doesn't mean that she's always going to like my decisions. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences to dawdling or wasting time. But love is not only some intrinsic feeling. It has to be extrinsic…it has to be actionable… it causes me to be the adult…to make better choices…to exercise reason and consider consequences of my own behavior. Love in action is what becomes believable.

What’s love got to do with it? (12) And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

We are not perfect, but we can learn and change... be encouraged to make love actionable in your relationships. Love has got everything to do with it.